We Bleed

ABOUT

This work is an exploration of my experience and history with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). It represents both the painful physical, and mental health impacts that it has had on me, and on many others who live with the condition.

It is hard to know how to talk about my PCOS, where to begin, and what to focus on. I’ve lived with it most of my life, and the ramifications it has had on me and my body are difficult to narrow down into a single, concise narrative.

In high school I remember other girls asking each other in hushed tones if their periods had synced up, like they were sharing something secret and valuable. Even then the idea of a perfectly timed period stood out to me as something alien. Mine never kept to a cycle, let alone matched that of anyone else. I would go months without bleeding, then my body would shift, seeking revenge for skipped periods and minimal pain. The bleeding would begin without warning, and wouldn’t stop. Tampons, a double layer of underwear with two pads sandwiched between them seemed to be the only way to keep the blood close to me, where it belonged.

As I got older the irregularity of my bleeding and symptoms of PCOS increased. The abdominal pain that had once been confined to the times I bled began to seep outside its boundaries, until it was constant.

During my worst bouts of symptoms, I would find relief and solace in water. It was at those times that the unknown, uncontrollable nature of my mind and body felt as though they were pressing in, slowly overwhelming me. The uncertainty and the fear I felt in not knowing why my body was behaving in such a way grew, and became as present as the pain. I would try to drown these feelings away in near scalding water, hoping the heat and heady steam would clear my mind and wash away what I felt in my abdomen.

Three years ago I sought a diagnosis and began the process of medical care. With treatment, surgery and a small, artificial implant inside of me, the symptoms have been greatly reduced. However, whenever the symptoms do flare up I still find myself immersing my body in water to try and ease them.

I hope that this work can provide encouragement for open and honest discussions about PCOS. The condition effects 1 in 10 people who menstruate, yet it can still be a diagnosis fraught with uncertainty and one that is often difficult to talk about.

This self portrait is a reflection of moments of vulnerability, where I find myself existing in a state in between comfort and pain. The water that surrounds my figure is deep and dark, cradling it as the uncertainties of the internal world spill over into the external.

Find out more about Taboo Period Products here.